Come chill!

vote for my movie “Blood on the Title” at

http://filmracing.com/Films/competitions/miami2008.htm

Man.
I can’t believe I’m going back to LA.
It really blows my mind everytime I think about it.
When I first left LA and went on this road trip across the country, I wasn’t exactly sure where I would end up. I knew that I had to at least stop by Florida and visit my friends and family, I felt that. But I wasn’t 100% sure and I was willing to let the Universe guide me to where I needed to be.
I gave every town I visited a fair chance. I applied for jobs in pretty much every town I stopped by. No town felt exactly like “home”, and I wonder if that feeling of home is an illusion. Every place seems to have pros and cons.
I was willing to try out Florida again. To be near my friends and family, work, and pursue my career. But the instant I crossed the state line, something felt off.
Deep within my gut, something felt wrong, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
The longer I stayed in Florida, the more I felt this weird suppressive feeling. I was miserable being back there and I felt that same energy which prompted me to leave in the first place. I stayed longer than I wanted to, even though I was only there for maybe 3 weeks this time.
I was afraid to choose LA. The thought of going back there honestly scared the crap outta me at first.
One night, while I was in my funk, I randomly got a phone call from someone who I hadn’t spoken to in a few months. He sensed something was wrong the instant I said hello. It was during our conversation that I realized I needed to go back to LA. It was like he was speaking for the part of my mind which was suppressed at that particular time. Things happened in LA that I never thought would ever be possible for me. The car I am driving now is the most up-to-date car I have ever driven in my entire life. Same thing with my cell phone. And a bunch of other random things which happened relatively quickly during my 5 months of living there.
But I still wasn’t completely “sold” on the idea of going back. I was afraid.
A day or two later, another friend randomly calls me out of the blue. He explains to me this somewhat of an emotional crisis sort of situation in which he needs to go to Louisiana. But first he wanted to go to Florida to visit his family. To make a long story short, he needed me to drive him to Louisiana and then back to LA, where he has been living the last couple of years.
I hesitated and hesitated and finally gulped an “okay”.
To make a long story somewhat shorter, his trip ended up not working out for various reasons on his end.
A few days after that, another friend randomly out of the blue told me he wanted to go on a road trip from Florida to visit someone in Northern California and if I decided to go back he would love to hop a ride with me in exchange for some gas money and whatnot.
After all of this, I gave in. Okay. I guess I need to go back to LA.
Oh and, I never ended up riding back with him because he kept procrastinating repeatedly about when he wanted to leave.
After having these 3 conversations, I immediately realized what the Universe was trying to tell me, and I wanted to act on it as quickly as possible.
So I celebrated my 28th birthday on Saturday June 21st and left on Sunday June 22nd.
I will be back in Los Angeles monday-ish.
I have my favorite job back, working as a camera operator. I think. I’m almost certain that I have it. I’m just waiting for the confirmation from my boss. So wish me luck with that. But I’m not worried about anything anymore.
I have completely given up trying to plan out my life or trying to plan out anything in the physical Universe. Because everytime I try to plan things out, something changes. I realize throughout my journeys that nothing in life is truly predictable, plannable, or thinkable.
I realize that everything in life is a relationship of some sort, and they all fluctuate. You have a choice on how to view every single thing in your world. Two choices. Positively or negatively.
All you know is what your heart desires. That’s all you can ever know at a given moment. And you have to trust in the Universe that you will get it because you deserve it.
This has been a tough pill for me to swallow. For some reason, growing up, I’ve always felt guilty for wanting things. And getting what I wanted made me feel even guiltier. I’m not sure why or what it was.
I think everyone has their lessons to learn throughout the years.
The big one for me is that:
It’s okay to have desires.
The desires that I have are okay.
Anyway, I digress. But yeah, I’m going back to Cali. It blows my mind.
But I remember that when I lived there, with the exception of the final month when my roommate drove me nuts, that when I was there.. I felt the most free I have ever felt in my entire life. It was easy for me to feel high on life, just driving around the freeways there. My CD’s for some reason sounded better there, driving around there, than it did when I lived in Florida. Something about being there felt good.
I’m not sure what it was or why it was there, but it’s that energy that pulls me back. I gave everywhere else a fair shot, even Florida, but no other place had that particular effect on me.

After this weekend, I will be back in Los Angeles. I just posted a long blog on my myspace about my experiences as a performer and about going back to Cali Cali Cali…

Anyway, if you are reading this and want to meet up, collaborate on projects, etc whatever, let me know!

Performing, production, chillin at the beach eating pizza, etc, whatever, let me know!

Also, in case you don’t know.. I just went on two cross country road trips. That’s right, two.
I drove from LA to Miami.. and now I am driving back. Just me and my beta fish George Marley.
I have some videos I will be putting up from the trip, and etc. etc.

That’s all for now I suppose. Thanks for reading my Deputy Blog!!

xoxo,
Cristy

been seeing a lot of things
and exploring anew
got a fresh perspective on life
but rather, just found what’s true
this fresh freedom
this immaculate momentual charm…
highschool is long gone
gotta buckle up those bootstraps
and just do that thing, whatever it may be…
but this vibrancy of life is permeating every minute ounce of flesh
it’s gorgeous, loving, accepting, and pure
it’s the freshest thing that ever shall be
the grace of dancing with the flow
it’s the space to allow now
it’s brilliant and liberating
and all it took was a few months riding the steel horse
painting dots on the map…
hopefully it lasts forever
signs point to yes
something has shifted
a renaissance
the art of allowing.

wooshie wooshie wooshierneverything is smooshie
like budda to ya tooshie
what?
the time where it’s at
it somewhere in this place
but depending on the graph
could possibly displace
the figure that you think it could be
can’t see you see
that these past 2 lines are contribed as can be
and now let’s just repeat saying see
it’s the time
to rhyme

it’s all becoming a blur
a faded memory..

good times, bad times, off times, on times, high times, low times, random times, strategic times, times times, times.
good people, bad people, off people, on people, high people, low people, random people, strategic people, people people, people.
good places, bad places, off places, on places, high places, low places, random places, strategic places, places places, places.
good things, bad things, off things, on things, high things, low things, random things, strategic things, things things, things.
good, bad, off, on, high, low, random, strategic, times, people, things.
etc etc, etc etc, etc etc, etc etc etc, etc etc, etc etc, etc etc, etc etc, etc.

And so it’s now. Essentially all that ever will be or become, is simply now. And now now is then. And now now is now. Ugh.
Just casually floating around here and there doing this and that. Creating. Exploring. Playing. Trying things out. And such is life.

When you’re sitting there and all that is left is an empty drawing board and a single pen, what shall you draw?
Just flow with it. Whatever feels it to be at that particular moment.
But you know. You’ve drawn before. In a sense this isn’t new, but at the same token, it’s a completely fresh experience.
Something has shifted.
Is this canvas truly blank? Or is the paper darted with thoughts, visions, memories, and hopes from the past. From the then then then then then.
Why is it so easy to let go of a job and so difficult to let go of a feeling? A notion. A hint. A sense of… coincidence?
When you have programmed your brain, for years, to think that somebody holds the key to your heart and to your fantasies…
Do you simply toss it away at a momentary lapse? Or do you hold onto it loosely?
It’s like the daunting mystery that’s forever taunted yourself. But what’s the use of it? When all it does it confuse?
Is real love confusing?

There’s no answers to life. IT simply exists. It’ be’s. And there you are. Living. And being. Doing. and seeing.
You do not ask the bird why it chirps. You simply listen.
And such, you do not ask why this person has a piece of your heart. You simply allow them to have it.
Blessed is He who has a piece of your heart. Because it is such a rarity. A commodity. A prize.
And so what if he doesn’t know how to use it. So what if he can’t appreciate it. So what if he can’t return it.
Although the last statement is the one that really stings.

No matter how many times you may try to look away, it ALWAYS comes back. In other shapes and forms. But it always returns.
But that doesn’t mean that they key to your heart means the key to your life. And it also doesn’t mean that there isn’t more than one key.
You cannot live your life for anybody else except yourself.
You cannot wait for anyone else to bring you what your heart desires.
You have the key to your own heart too. Remember that. But deep down in the back of your mind, you do, and you always will.
You cannot worry, you cannot fear. Well, you can, but why would you?
You are coming to grips with what it’s like to feel secure when there is no such thing as security.
You are coming to grips with what it’s like to feel at home when there is no such thing as a home.

It’s this funny little thing called “life”. This crazy new reality show on Mars. Everyone is ranting and raving about it.
Everything has pros and cons. Everybody.

It’s so easy to feel like your drowning and you just want to hold someone’s hand. To pull you up out of the water. To save you.
Only you can save yourself. But what would it mean to be saved? What’s THAT all about?
That’s the real question.
And maybe it simply is love. Maybe the answer is simply understanding. Companionship.
If that’s the answer, are you prepared to handle the commitments associated with all of that hoo-haw?
What if it gets boring? What if the pros lesson over time? What if what if what if?

What if you actually “got” that one person you have wanted for so long. What if they came knocking on your door, ready with open arms.
Would you be ready for that?
I’d say yes.
Really?
What is it about this one person that has your heart ready to drop?
Is there really an answer for that?

You just gotta love. Again.
Feel it with your open heart and just let it be.
Be ready for that knock but at the same time not holding onto it because you never know where the wind may blow.
Make the most out of it in any way you can because it’s a miracle.
But don’t hold onto them.
Simply appreciate them for touching your heart in that way. And enjoy it.

What is meant to be shall be. But what is meant to be, the answer to such, is something that can only be experienced through time.
It’s not something to be figured out. Right now there is no answer for it. There may be an answer at some point, there may not be.
But it just is. A phenomenon.

Dancing on these waves. Dancing on them. Dance. Dance. Dance.

Dance.